Life is a journey not a destination so .....my story isn't over yet;...me

 I've been doing an employability and resilience course run by local mental health services for the last 3 weeks. Work used to be my identity, I've always been anxious socially so only have had a few close friends and although I got on with most people I worked with I rarely socialised outside of work apart from with the few friends I knew I could trust so work was my life but I didn't have much independence apart from work and looking after Warwick my horse and I still lived with my parents until I got admitted to the mental health ward in 2015. ( apart from living in halls at uni and working in Lancashire at a horse rescue centre  for 6 months when I finished uni and that's when my severe bulimia began when I was 21...) As I have mentioned before my mental health problems started when I was about 12 probably even earlier I had social anxiety and depression and an eating disorder and it all tied in with feeling I wasn't good enough and didn't fit in. So I am pr...

 Sorry this is a negative post but being honest where I am at. Recovery from any mental illness is never a straight road there are always hurdles and recovery doesn't mean cured just means better at dealing with.  For me at my worst I get suicidal and self harm to deal with my eating disorder and apart from some minor self harm which hasn't been recently, I haven't taken an overdose since the end of 2018 and I am proud of that achievement.  I am alot happier since then as have had choir and  supportive friends at choir but the rest of my life still isn't where I would have wanted it to be at nearly 40....and lockdown hasn't helped it. I've been eternally single and tbh I would do anyones head in to be in a relationship with anyone...I do my own head in...I don't think u can expect anyone else to like u if u don't like yourself and I'm getting better at it but not there yet. I didn't achieve doing my nursing and haven't even worked for 7 years...

  I had mental health problems from being young, was depressed and saying I hated life when I was about 8 and had an eating disorder by 12. I'm not saying this for sympathy but understanding. I could have used my mental health as an excuse to not go to school or work etc. ( some people can't go to school or work but some do also opt out early on..we all have different barriers...this is just about me.) But I was driven to try to achieve, socially I always felt I didn't fit in, I couldn't control how people who bullied me treat me, I couldn't make people be my friend but I could work hard. From being about 12 I wanted to be a nurse so I joined st John's ambulance cadets and volunteered on first aid duties most weekends from the age of 12 to 18, I was also in the church choir and sang at weddings from the age of 9 to 18 or 19 when I went to uni and I horse rode and looking  forward to riding my favourite horses once a week throughout school got me through how depr...

 This week is suicide awareness week.  It's a topic close to my heart as I'm proud to say I'm a survivor. Unfortunately too many people aren't as lucky. Suicide is a taboo subject but we need to talk about it to be able to prevent so many avoidable suicides.  I've struggled with my mental health since I was a child, anxiety, depression and eating disorders which I struggled to get professional help for for years. At 21 I had severe bulimia and despite asking for help for years, never got specific help getting sent away from services...either too high functioning or too complex once I was self harming (which is different to suicide although people who self harm become higher risk of committing suicide). After 10 years of struggling with my bulimia, I needed a pacemaker for my heart as it had made a hereditary heart condition worse but I wasn't suicidal at that time (although I had always said I thought I had deserved to die at 28, the age my birth mum was when sh...

 I have been going to a group therapeutic community for a year this month for people with personality disorders which is for people with borderline or emotionally unstable personality disorder but there are 10 different personality disorders and NHS guidelines and funding focus on borderline, which I have traits of but I scored higher for a diagnosis of avoidant personality disorder which when I looked up the criteria for recently sounds exactly like alot of my problems. People with avoidant personality disorder: avoid social situations or contact with others because they have an overwhelming fear of being criticised, rejected or ridiculed and feel inferior meaning you are often quiet, shy and inhibited in social situations and worry you may cry or blush or do something wrong in social situations and be unwilling to try new things for fear of being embarrassed in front of other people.  This was totally me for many years along with eating disorders meant i just hid in my work ...

 I'm sure people get fed up of me going on about Facebook memories but saw one today was a status from 2014, the final year I admitted defeat on ever been able to go to uni to train as a mental health nurse and I was totally hopeless. I saw no future, was only going out with support workers or family and was taking overdoses constantly.  I'm frustrated that caronavirus has put this years plans on hold but I don't feel hopeless, more impatient. Hopeless isn't a good place to be it is a dark lonely place of suicidal thoughts and attempts and I want life to carry on, there is so much i want to do. I want to do some volunteer work then eventually paid work again, I want to one day go on tour with choir, I want to get back singing with choir and doing gigs and I'm positive these things will happen again it's just knowing when. We are on holiday from choir at the moment and it has turned out a couple of my good friends are also free so went for a nice tea out with one...

I have spent most of my life putting a value on myself based on weight (mostly because I feel not good enough in general), but I have spent too long, a good day being one I have lost weight and a bad day being one I have gained weight. I yo yo so much and I'm trying to tell myself is "fat" the worst thing I can be. I wouldn't be able to lose the amount of weight I feel I need to lose to be ok with myself anyway, and I guess healthy is what I need to and am aiming for. That's why I want to start swimming again. I read other blogs, see other peoples comments in eating disorder support groups where they are anorexic and feel they are superior and good at losing weight...that is my thinking in a disordered mindset (my bulimia came about after years of barely allowing myself to eat.....your body and brain give in eventually and the body instinctively needs food....that's why starving and restrictive diets lead to bingeing and weight gain and yo yoing). My ratio...