Life is a journey not a destination so .....my story isn't over yet;...me

 I go to a group therapy for people with personality disorders predominantly borderline personality disorder which i have traits of ( my mood is up and down triggered by situations rather than chemical unlike bipolar which is caused by chemical imbalances, im impulsive with money and binge eating but that is because of my bulimia, I self harm and become suicidal when in crisis) but when I was diagnosed by a psychologist I scored highest for avoidant personality disorder which is an anxiety based personality disorder which is a severe form of social anxiety.  Its hard explaining to people that when your struggling you are anxious and go quiet, struggle to talk and end up crying when you feel inferior, awkward etc. as obviously you end up quiet and crying ( its great being me...not)I don't live up to my label, my diagnosis explains how I have been my whole life. Avoidant personality disorder is caused by an anxious attachment in early childhood which if left untreated becomes pe...

 Was sad to hear how Nikki Graham died from anorexia and had to fundraise to pay for any treatment despite being very unwell with her eating disorder. Apparently her eating disorder started as young as 7 or 8 and so has spent her whole life battling it so did well to achieve all she did as a well liked celebrity and did appear to have some periods of stability. Apparently during lockdown once gyms closed, I read that she got scared of eating if she couldn't exercise it off. Eating Disorders have the highest mortality rate of any mental illness yet help is so hard to get and although it shouldn't be, often treatment is offered based on very low BMI which is so wrong. Eating Disorders are mental illnesses, they start long before someone becomes a low weight, Gok Wan was anorexic, he started at 20 stone, lost half his body weight by starving himself but because was then a healthy weight he couldn't get any help in fact he was turned away i read. One person may be a lower end o...

 I've not done a blog post for ages and just struggling, would say a bit at moment but actually it's alot as usual. What people don't get is anorexia isn't when you can see your bones it's a mindset long before, then entrenched in you that burdens you forever. It makes you feel guilty about eating anything, wanting to lose weight to feel you are achieving something when you feel you can't achieve anything else, when you need to distract yourself from how bad you feel about yourself. For me bulimia comes in when I have to give in to eating then often end up eating too much. I used to plan eating so I would only eat if I could be sick to deal with the guilt of eating I wasn't sick because I had eaten too much for a normal person just felt guilty about eating anything and I still have that battle daily. I am rarely sick now but avoid eating some days then try get back on track (compensating for bingeing or eating by fasting or over exercise is still eating diso...

 This week is eating disorder awareness week but today is also self harm awareness day too, a day to help raise awareness, understanding and empathy around self harm. Self harm and eating disorders are both misunderstood and stigmatized and I write my blog posts to hopefully help raise awareness and understanding from my own perspective of someone who has suffered from both eating disorders and self harm and made suicide attempts (which are different to self harm but there is a big overlap and people who self harm are at higher risk of attempting suicide). As I have said before I'm not proud of my mental health problems but I'm also not ashamed and am proud of how far I have come on my recovery journey.  For me my mental health problems began with eating disorders and I tried self harming once as a teenager but it became a problem in my 20s after years of struggling with my eating disorders, anxiety and depression. The first time I self harmed "properly " I was maybe ...

 This week is eating disorders awareness week, a cause I am passionate about as there is so much lack of understanding and support for people with all eating disorders. NHS eating disorder services have such strict criteria that so many people fall through the net, too high functioning for help, to complex for help, have other diagnoses of personality disorders, not a low enough bmi, not the right eating disorder...some services only treat low weight anorexia and even then it is often refeeding without any headwork to deal with the underlying psychological causes. I have lost friends to eating disorders and know of far too many others who have begged for help but told they were too complex or there were no  beds available for treatment.  This years theme for eating disorders awareness week is about creating a future where people with binge eating disorder are treated with compassion and understanding.  As I have often been open about, my eating disorder began when I ...

 Today is time to talk day 2021, a campaign run by Mind and Rethink mental health charities to help break the stigma and discrimination of having mental health problems. The theme this year is "the power of small" a small conversation about mental health has the power to make a big difference to people with mental health problems to help end the stigma and discrimination of people with mental health problems.  1 in 4 people suffer from a mental health problem in their  lives from mild to moderate anxiety and depression, eating disorders and more severe and enduring mental health problems such as bipolar, schizophrenia and personality disorders, and 90 % of people with mental health problems feel they are discriminated against because of their mental health problems.  I am one of those who suffer from mental health problems and I'm not ashamed of it, I think the more open we are about our own mental health, the more it helps other people understand mental health probl...

 I've been doing an employability and resilience course run by local mental health services for the last 3 weeks. Work used to be my identity, I've always been anxious socially so only have had a few close friends and although I got on with most people I worked with I rarely socialised outside of work apart from with the few friends I knew I could trust so work was my life but I didn't have much independence apart from work and looking after Warwick my horse and I still lived with my parents until I got admitted to the mental health ward in 2015. ( apart from living in halls at uni and working in Lancashire at a horse rescue centre  for 6 months when I finished uni and that's when my severe bulimia began when I was 21...) As I have mentioned before my mental health problems started when I was about 12 probably even earlier I had social anxiety and depression and an eating disorder and it all tied in with feeling I wasn't good enough and didn't fit in. So I am pr...