Life is a journey not a destination so .....my story isn't over yet;...me

 I constantly struggle with an eating disorder and the negative thoughts about myself that go with it, going through cycles of bingeing and purging or restricting with periods of semi normal eating or a conventional diet but the eating disorder behaviours always creep back in but I function with my eating disorder. The eating disorder voice is constant whatever weight and whichever cycle I'm in at the time and eating always causes anxiety and guilt ( which people can't visibly see if your not a low weight) but I try fight it. I set myself goals such as choir gigs, voluneer work and some part time work and I tell myself I have to eat to be safe to drive etc. Which I need to be able to do to see Warwick my horse, go to choir and go to work. But sometimes if my anxiety or depression get worse the eating disorder thoughts get darker and lead to self harming and suicidal thoughts which do scare me. They are always there in the background but when I'm in crisis it's like a co...

 This week is eating disorders awareness week and it's important to me as I have suffered from eating disorders for the majority of my adult life and if I could rewind the clock I would. Eating Disorders have affected my physical and mental health and I've had friends die from eating disorders and I want more people to recognise the signs in themselves and others and get the help early on before the damage is done and recovery is still possible. As a society we are judged on what we look like yet expected to socialise with food and drink. You can guarantee in every workplace or social event the topic of diets will come up and there will always be someone saying they're been good only having a salad and being too full for pudding. I often worry about friends doing what I know rationally are unhealthy unsafe diets yet am guilty of trying them myself constantly obsessed with losing weight.  When you think of eating disorders everyone thinks of a low weight anorexic and is conc...

I can't believe we're nearly at the end of 2022, on my down days I often forget the good days and what I have achieved this year and what goals I have for the future.  In 2019 I started what was meant to be a 2 year, 3 day a week group therapy for people with personality disorders. At the time I was heavily supported by mental health workers. I relied on them coming to my flat daily to get my meds out of a safe as I was a high risk of impulsively overdosing on them without any skills to manage it, support workers helped me do my food shopping as it makes me really anxious due to having eating disorders, they helped me clean my flat as I often struggled to keep on top of it due to physical and mental health and my main social life was with paid support workers due to social anxiety and my old friends lives being busy and carrying on without me in them when I was in and out of hospital for the best part of 10 years so when I started the group therapy, one of my goals was to be mo...

 Why do we all value ourselves on our weight like its the most important thing, people praise weight loss however it is achieved, in society and even Dr's etc. When I was a lower weight it was maintained with severe bulimia yet people would tell me I looked good and Dr's would say I was healthy. Since I've gained weight even my heart consultant blamed being out of breath after covid as being due to gaining weight despite having the same problem after losing 2 and a half stone. When I gained weight after being in an eating disorder clinic due to trying to recover from my bulimia but ending up in a cycle of restricting and bingeing I even had co worker ask me if I was pregnant as I had gained so much weight and even when I said no I definitely wasn't she kept saying it too. I was only a size 12 to 14 then, it was a few years later when I developed heart failure, I got water retention and then I was also put on an antidepressant called mirtazapine which is known to cause w...

 Having had friends struggling with their mental health recently, i'm not always in a position to be of much help due to my own struggles apart from to try and empathise and advocate that there is no shame in admitting your struggling.  I was always open about my mental health including at work but in alot of ways I had no choice as I have bad self harm scars which are visible so I would rather people know about them from me then be gossiping behind my back and putting their own judgement on it. (even if wear long sleeves there are times they ride up especially as a carer when washing someone or washing pots etc.) Also as I struggled to get help for my eating disorders for a long time because of there not been specialist services and not meeting the criteria due to not being severe enough then classed as too complex once was self harming etc. the only way services change and evolve is by listening to service users. I worked as a support worker in mental health and there should...

 I say my diet out of the window but I did lose 2 and a half stone, the first stone was whilst having eating disorder therapy for bulimia, trying to stick to 3 meals 3 snacks but with some eating disorder behaviour, then I had 11 weeks where I almost totally stuck to a meal replacement 1200 calorie diet then my mental health took a nose dive and I was feeling really low and bulimia took over so I had a couple of weeks off the diet but haven't been able to consistently stick to diet again since even though I wanted to although my weight has had times its still gone down I'm not doing anything consistently to keep it going down(apart from dancing at choir lol....feels like a workout in itself). I was aiming to fit into a ball dress I have for our choir Christmas ball but then was thinking I'm sure no one else will care what size I am or the dress I'm wearing even though i do and was a good excuse to get a new dress (good job I have some more shifts coming up at work). Lat...

I've always worried what people think of me and wanted and needed to fit in, but I've  learnt in this life the only people I can rely on is myself and my parents and I do try to be self sufficient, I live on my own so not totally dependent on other people and the only people I have ever been dependent on are my parents and mental health workers otherwise I just try to be friendly to people, if they're friendly and talk back its nice if not someone else will.  It is nice to have human company obviously, non of us are an island but I have my furbabies and I try to get on with most people, life is too short to be bitter with people, all you can ever be is yourself.  I've never been good at friendships or relationships so I always focused on work, I know I can be a numpty and take alot to learn stuff or when I'm anxious end up crying but I always try my best and I do genuinely care and put 100 percent into anything I do. I've been down lately, I started volunteering...