Life is a journey not a destination so .....my story isn't over yet;...me

This week is mental health awareness week 2020 and the topic this year is kindness (it was originally going to be sleep but due to the caronavirus pandemic and consequent lockdown it was thought kindness was more relevant and appropriate than ever). I have shared my own mental health story so much, the only thing I need to mention is I struggle with my own mental health problems and did spend a year sectioned in hospital in 2015 because of being a high risk to myself ( so a similar situation to lockdown in some ways....although mentally I am actually alot stronger to deal with this situation now than I would have been even upto about 2 years ago). Various mental health charities and organisations have been offering advice on how to cope with mental health during lockdown and for mental health awareness week they say Kindness both to ourselves and others are good for positive mental health and thinking back to my own mental health history there has been kindness even from strangers ...

In my distance learning course I am doing on child and adolescent mental health awareness one of the questions was about the recovery model of mental health care. Recovery doesn't mean cure but being able to live a positive life despite your illness and achieve your goals and aspirations.  There was an example case study where someone with an eating disorder said they didn't choose to have an eating disorder but can choose to fight their fears and challenges with positive goals. That is what I am trying to do, I didn't choose the anorexic/ bulimic voice that appeared in my head when I was about 12, that tells you that you are fat and useless and don't deserve to eat etc. From the age of 21 until about a year ago I had severe bulimia, days of not eating, days of being sick numerous times a day every time I ate, even being told I would die if I didn't have a pacemaker didn't stop me and when I had heart failure and was attached to a portable heart monitor I was ...

If I had a broken arm people would see I had a broken arm, usually a broken arm heals and you are better. Unfortunately the brain isn't as simple no one can see what is going on in anyone elses mind and the brain and it's psychology is so complicated and unique to each person. The physiology of people is generally the same, obviously there can be genetic abnormalities but the bones and organs are generally the same. Mental health though is determined by so many factors, genetics, life experiences good and bad and these experiences can lead to certain mental illnesses and disorders. I often say I have anxiety but I actually have anxiety based personality disorders. Avoidant personality disorder is a severe form of social anxiety where you have very low self esteem, feel not good enough and so avoid work and social activities for fear of failure and feeling embarrassed. Adults with avoidant personality disorder were usually very quiet and shy and withdrawn as children. At school...

I was talking to a friend I was in hospital with back in 2015, i won't name them they know who they are obviously but it is their choice to share their story or not. I was in a locked hospital for ladies with personality disorders which basically we were all there as we managed negative emotions with self harm and suicide attempts.  My friend has been in hospital a long time, which as for myself was needed to help us stay alive which I for one am thankful for. My friend is struggling with suicidal and self harm thoughts, but I think if it has been a long term problem we will always have it. Recovery isn't a cure it is "finding a life worth living" despite it. Back in 2015 I never thought I would still be alive in 2020 planning my 40th birthday next year, to be fair i never planned on living past 28 (the year my birth mum died as a result of me being born). Back in 2015 I had staff with me 24 hours a day, in fact this time that year I was in anti ligature clothin...

I'm really struggling at the moment, not had a serious suicidal crisis that I've acted on for about a year and a half and I don't have any suicidal thoughts, but am struggling alot with anxiety, low mood and eating disorder and self harm thoughts (which are different to suicidal ones, self harm happens when your emotions basically explode out I guess is a way to explain it). I used to self harm alot, but over the last couple of years I rarely do apart from at times of stress. I'm trying to find other ways to deal with the situation but feelings can even be boredom, frustration, loneliness, anxiety and depression.  All which are being triggered being stuck in my flat 24 hours a day. I know everyone is in the same boat. I do try write a list daily of a few things I want to do and achieve that day, some days that works other days, especially the says where I haven't slept well the night before, I am literally just doing what I feel like doing, that might be a duvet d...

I'm trying to distract myself as much as I can whilst in lockdown, stuck in my flat 24/7. I've been writing a daily plan, that includes staying in bed for the morning, there have been some days I haven't been able to face the day due to low mood and guilt about wanting to eat so avoiding eating which rationally I always knows makes my mood worse. So I have been writing meal plans like I always do but sometimes I feel guilty eating anything so avoid it but then it gets to a point I'm that hungry I end up bingeing. So having to plan a month food shop is a nightmare, not only am I high risk if I get the virus because I have a heart condition but I also have anxiety so normally do my food shop with a support worker so even if I was going to physically risk going to the shop I wouldn't be able to. So anyway I tried to order my food shop online which is also another nightmare. Even at normal times, online shopping doesn't normally work for me, it sounds really pathe...

I was thinking back to a couple of years ago and how lonely and socially isolated I had become, the only people I was socialising with were paid support workers. I spent a year in a locked mental health hospital with limited access to the internet or phone and during that year all my old friends lives carried on and I was no longer a part of it. It's not anyones fault, at the age I am (nearly 40) people are generally married or in relationships, alot have kids, jobs and careers and busy lives. When I was in hospital and then the mental  health rehab I lived at after, I would often say to staff how I didn't have any friends I saw often and some would say they didn't see friends too...but were married or in a relationship. So I would then say precisely your not always on your own then are you. I got badly bullied at school, I know that sounds a long time ago but it did enough damage to learn not to trust people so I have never had relationships, and have only ever trusted a f...