Life is a journey not a destination so .....my story isn't over yet;...me

 Another update, might as well keep updating on my recovery journey, barriers and hopefully getting some effective help. A couple of years ago the eating disorder service wouldn't see me saying I didn't have an eating disorder and it was all personality disorder,  invalidating any past assessments including I was in an eating disorder clinic in 2010, and had cbt for eating disorders in 2012. So I joined a therapy for personality disorders to deal with my other mental health problems in the hope I could then get help for my eating disorder.  For however long I can remember I've felt guilty Eating, bearing in mind I was never overweight until 6 years ago when mental health meds and other health problems caused me to gain alot of weight. In 2015 I was in a locked hospital with no access to food I was restricting some days having a jacket potato or slice of toast a day yet couldn't get below 15 stone, I definitely wasn't bingeing and if I ate more like brunch on a Satur...

 I don't know where I would be without my choir now, up until 3 years ago when I first joined choir I was not in a good place mentally and still had alot of unsafe times with self harm and overdoses.  I think things do come into our lives for a reason, after a year in mental health hospitals in 2015 I lived at a mental health rehab where they help you live independently after being in hospital for a long time. I had said I enjoyed singing, I grew up singing in the church choir but then uni, work and horses took over and I didn't sing for years apart from in the shower lol then when I first stopped working because of my mental health I went to a singing group with my dad for older people but they let me join them and everyone was lovely but I also wanted to meet friends more my own age and be in an actual choir. It was by chance I found our choir "All For One choir" when I googled choirs in Grimsby. I think a year before I joined choir I had booked a taster session for...

 If I could tell my 12 year old self one thing, it would be don't spend a lifetime hating yourself and your weight.  At 12 or even younger when my eating issues began I wasn't even fat, yet I think in my child's mind, I thought if I wasn't fat I would fit in more, at least I wouldn't be bullied for being fat, I think I got bullied just for existing or was made to feel that way, something that has stayed with me in adulthood despite meeting amazing, friendly people in my life, I have always worried about being judged and not fitting in. My eating disorder now doesn't even control my weight, a long time ago it just became like a constant voice, making me feel guilty about all food, worrying about eating too much, trying to stick to eating too little in the hope of controlling my weight or at least my guilty thoughts, which in the past led to alot of self harm, to punish myself for giving in and eating, which I now rarely do, and if I do it's when I get that up...

 Today is World mental health day and the theme is mental health in an unequal World. I was thinking often people maybe think I overshare about my mental Health but unfortunately because I've been heavily involved in mental health services, and for alot of the time before I joined choir I was only socialising with other people with mental health problems and then mental health support workers I forget that something that seems minor to me and others who have been in similar situations, worries other people who aren't used to it, im glad there are people who haven't lived in that situation. I was in a locked hospital for ladies who had personality disorders but all had that diagnosis on a history of self harm and suicide attempts, usually caused by trauma in childhood. I'm proud I'm no longer in that situation, even in times of crisis now it ends in some minor self harm and struggling with my eating disorder and I forget "normal" people worry about self har...

 My mental health has been up and down for years....the original cause was an eating disorder that started when I was 12 or before. I saw camhs briefly when I was 14 who didn't even acknowledge it despite me being referred there because of eating problems and then over the years once I admitted it was a problem, I've been classed as too high functioning, too complex, not having an eating disorder even despite having been in an eating disorder clinic, but even in there I got no actual therapy.  10 years after first asking my gp for help and being passed around various mental health professionals who had no clue about eating disorders I did finally see a good eating disorder therapist but only for 20 sessions of cbt for what then was a 10 year problem, it helped to an extent but I was supposed to get psychology too to deal with underlying problems too.  As time went on I was self harming and suicidal because of the eating disorder voice that takes over whatever your weight,...

 I'm open about my mental health, I want people to understand what it's like for someone living with an eating disorder.  An eating disorder doesn't come in a specific size, someone of 20 stone or 5 stone can have the anorexic voice that screams at them daily that all food is bad, that bullies them into believing they are fat, a failure every time they eat. It can scream at you as you are trying to sleep, making you hate how fat and disgusting you are.....it has you believe....and the sad thing is if you are fat, people say things like well you haven't just realised you are fat....eating disorder thinking and behaviour aren't understood but are even less understood in people with Eating Disorders who are normal or overweight. It isn't the same as a diet gone wrong, or just over indulging......it is the cycle of your head not allowing you to eat, then eating,  then not eating again.... Yet most people with bulimia or other non specified eating disorders are norma...

 Mental health is so unpredictable, borderline personality disorder is definitely unpredictable and stupid things can trigger it. Borderline personality disorder causes highs and lows but with bipolar the highs and lows are caused by chemical imbalances and can be medicated  but with bpd the highs and lows are caused by the environment, circumstances and relationships, not just close relationships. I have long periods of good times and I don't want the short periods of bad times to set me back but it's so hard, I know my lows take me to dark places and it's hard trying to put on a happy front when I'm feeling so emotional and I also get scared where my bad times take me. I think the unpredictability of the pandemic and the lockdowns has affected my mental health, when I joined choir in 2018  I hadn't been socialising with anyone apart from support workers for a couple of years apart from the couple of times a year old friends had been available to meet up, I have a ...