Life is a journey not a destination so .....my story isn't over yet;...me

I often get down around my birthday, last time I had to use crisis team was around about my birthday 2 years ago (although I've not had any severe self harm since end of 2018), but then last year I put a big thing convincing myself life begins at 40 and then it was in lockdown. I was thankful choir friends did me a zoom party and it made a lockdown 40th birthday a really good one and then once we came out of lockdown I had a night at a hotel and spa with my parents which was really nice. What does " life begins at 40" even mean though. I spent so much of my life convincing myself I didn't deserve to be alive that I missed out on actually having any dreams. I really wish I could rewind the clock. At 30 I convinced myself if I trained to be a nurse I deserved to be alive and then I convinced myself I wasn't good enough and spent the worst year in hospital and haven't worked properlysince even though I consistently worked for 17 years before (ever since I was 12 ...

 After 3 weeks off choir was really good to be back this week, my anxiety around food and social anxiety hadn't been great this week and it showed more at the group therapy I go too, I hate when I go quiet and emotional but I think food impacted my mood alot so need to use my "wise mind" rather than emotional one, but choir helped alot this week as it gives me a positive focus and I feel connected with everyone, we are singing really uplifting songs which is great for January blues. Today I met a friend who I last saw in November which was nice we had tea at Costa and exchanged Christmas presents and said we need to try meet more regularly this year even if once a month and then met a family friend who my mum used to work for she's an older lady who has known me since I was about 8, we got talking for about 3 hours and laughed about how quiet I was when I was younger and didn't hardly talk lol. I don't think I had seen her for a couple of years due to the pand...

 I originally started writing my blog as an insight into my recovery journey and to help people understand what it's like to live with eating and personality disorders. There was a time when I was really mentally unwell I was open with posts such as " another failed attempt" obviously people who knew my mental health problems knew what I meant and obviously it wasn't the best things to put but thankfully I'm not in that place now and like I said I was really unwell at the time. I still have times I still struggle alot and am open about the ups and downs as recovery isn't cure it's learning to " have a life worth living " despite your difficulties in the words of Marsha Linehalm who wrote DBT therapy.  I'm still in therapy for my personality disorders which is now getting extended whilst I wait for eating disorder therapy to start and to also have support to continue moving forward with my life.  I have struggled recently with my eating disord...

 Happy new year and all that, think last new year and the one before that I convinced myself my new years resolution was to "not diet", accept myself whatever size, but this year that mindset has totally gone, I just see pictures of when I was smaller and just wish I could be that size again ( even though I thought I was too big on there). As I've said many times before my mental health problems started with Eating Disorders and for years I couldn't get help with it, the year I was sectioned in hospital in 2015 I was in hospital for self harm and suicide attempts which I was doing because of my self hate, mostly relating to my weight but also feeling I wasn't good enough to be alive in general but even though I wasn't eating for days at a time, being sick when I did which then led to nights of self harm to punish myself for giving in and eating, no one actually helped me with the eating disorder thoughts that were driving it all, I kept getting told I had neve...

 My blog is about mental health but joining choir has been a big part in helping me manage my mental health better in alot of ways. Choir has helped my confidence improve massively just by being around friendly supportive friends who believe in me and we support each other. Choir also gives me a purpose, a reason to not act on self destructive thoughts relating to my eating and personality disorders, i'm open in this blog so I admit those thoughts never go away but I can now have the thoughts and not act on them. I still have down days where I stay in bed or end up crying but I have been struggling with my physical health and fatigue since I had covid last year too. I still struggle with my eating disorder and am due to start therapy next year but I can manage it enough to make sure I eat regularly if I'm driving or anything like choir gigs or teaching horse riding, days I'm struggling eating I take soya milkshakes because I keep feeling faint which I never used to do. It...

 In 2015 I was sectioned in hospital for a year and before that had lived with my parents after a failed attempt of living on my own at 21 when my bulimia really took hold so my mental health made me lack confidence in my own ability to live alone. At the beginning of 2016 I was discharged to a mental health rehab where I had my own flat but with staff on site who gave me my meds and who ran activity groups etc. to help service users live more independently after being in hospital.  I lived at the rehab for a year then moved into a council flat but the tenancy was to the rehab rather than me directly for a year before it became my tenancy. I think I got Alfred for my birthday 2018 just before the tenancy became mine but my dad turned up with Alfred, I can remember I was really depressed and anxious at the time and Arthur the cat and Alfred came to live with me, I had wanted a guinea pig for ages and the rehab staff had kept trying to blackmail with if I went so long without se...

 I was reading a friends blog about how much she hates herself and feels she deserves to hurt herself because of her weight as she has a history of eating disorders, It makes me feel so sad to hear of others in the same cycle I was in until 3 years ago of feeling you deserve to die or hurt yourself because of not feeling good enough to be alive. I was always trying to find ways to justify being alive, I thought if I trained to be a nurse and was helping others I deserved to live but then I felt I wouldn't be good enough to do it and so I kept trying to kill myself. I was a good support worker in mental health and learning disabilities and was a good horse riding instructor but I always put myself down for everything I ever did wrong and I would self harm to punish myself every time I did something wrong, I hated myself for my weight always hating I was too fat but then hated everything else about me too, socially I always felt I wasn't good enough or academically but I have soc...