Life is a journey not a destination so .....my story isn't over yet;...me

I can't believe we're nearly at the end of 2022, on my down days I often forget the good days and what I have achieved this year and what goals I have for the future.  In 2019 I started what was meant to be a 2 year, 3 day a week group therapy for people with personality disorders. At the time I was heavily supported by mental health workers. I relied on them coming to my flat daily to get my meds out of a safe as I was a high risk of impulsively overdosing on them without any skills to manage it, support workers helped me do my food shopping as it makes me really anxious due to having eating disorders, they helped me clean my flat as I often struggled to keep on top of it due to physical and mental health and my main social life was with paid support workers due to social anxiety and my old friends lives being busy and carrying on without me in them when I was in and out of hospital for the best part of 10 years so when I started the group therapy, one of my goals was to be mo...

 Why do we all value ourselves on our weight like its the most important thing, people praise weight loss however it is achieved, in society and even Dr's etc. When I was a lower weight it was maintained with severe bulimia yet people would tell me I looked good and Dr's would say I was healthy. Since I've gained weight even my heart consultant blamed being out of breath after covid as being due to gaining weight despite having the same problem after losing 2 and a half stone. When I gained weight after being in an eating disorder clinic due to trying to recover from my bulimia but ending up in a cycle of restricting and bingeing I even had co worker ask me if I was pregnant as I had gained so much weight and even when I said no I definitely wasn't she kept saying it too. I was only a size 12 to 14 then, it was a few years later when I developed heart failure, I got water retention and then I was also put on an antidepressant called mirtazapine which is known to cause w...

 Having had friends struggling with their mental health recently, i'm not always in a position to be of much help due to my own struggles apart from to try and empathise and advocate that there is no shame in admitting your struggling.  I was always open about my mental health including at work but in alot of ways I had no choice as I have bad self harm scars which are visible so I would rather people know about them from me then be gossiping behind my back and putting their own judgement on it. (even if wear long sleeves there are times they ride up especially as a carer when washing someone or washing pots etc.) Also as I struggled to get help for my eating disorders for a long time because of there not been specialist services and not meeting the criteria due to not being severe enough then classed as too complex once was self harming etc. the only way services change and evolve is by listening to service users. I worked as a support worker in mental health and there should...

 I say my diet out of the window but I did lose 2 and a half stone, the first stone was whilst having eating disorder therapy for bulimia, trying to stick to 3 meals 3 snacks but with some eating disorder behaviour, then I had 11 weeks where I almost totally stuck to a meal replacement 1200 calorie diet then my mental health took a nose dive and I was feeling really low and bulimia took over so I had a couple of weeks off the diet but haven't been able to consistently stick to diet again since even though I wanted to although my weight has had times its still gone down I'm not doing anything consistently to keep it going down(apart from dancing at choir lol....feels like a workout in itself). I was aiming to fit into a ball dress I have for our choir Christmas ball but then was thinking I'm sure no one else will care what size I am or the dress I'm wearing even though i do and was a good excuse to get a new dress (good job I have some more shifts coming up at work). Lat...

I've always worried what people think of me and wanted and needed to fit in, but I've  learnt in this life the only people I can rely on is myself and my parents and I do try to be self sufficient, I live on my own so not totally dependent on other people and the only people I have ever been dependent on are my parents and mental health workers otherwise I just try to be friendly to people, if they're friendly and talk back its nice if not someone else will.  It is nice to have human company obviously, non of us are an island but I have my furbabies and I try to get on with most people, life is too short to be bitter with people, all you can ever be is yourself.  I've never been good at friendships or relationships so I always focused on work, I know I can be a numpty and take alot to learn stuff or when I'm anxious end up crying but I always try my best and I do genuinely care and put 100 percent into anything I do. I've been down lately, I started volunteering...

 I would like to say sorry for being so negative lately, mental health can be unpredictable sometimes, nowadays I have more resilience than I used to, I have too much to lose by giving into it. A while ago I bought a diary that said "big dreams", but then I don't know what my big dreams are. I'm hoping to go on tour with choir next year, and that is a big motivation to stay well and be able to do the part time work I do as a carer. I've had a month off due to having a new pacemaker and sadly the lady I volunteer befriending died so I think obviously I'm really sad about the lady and work gives me some purpose so I'm looking forward to getting back to work this week. I've also been asked by the befriending charity I volunteer for to visit another man which will be nice and I have to try think of the positives of the time I had with the lady, she got to enjoy a 90th birthday party in the summer in her garden and her family say she enjoyed her time with m...

 As long as I can remember, I can remember even as a child saying I hated life. I think back then it was sadness as I got bullied at school and never felt I fitted in. As I got older I developed deeper thinking.  I thought it was my fault my birth mum died so I deserved to die, I was depressed at having to live with an eating disorder and never going to get better from it, I got scared of my adoptive parents dying and believed it would be easier if I died so I didn't have to deal with them dying, I got scared of losing support and scared I couldn't cope alone, anxiety making me believe dying was going to be less scary than having to manage an adult life on my own. I still have these fears and beliefs, they never went and I believe I will die by suicide eventually but for now I live for other people, I stay alive mostly for my parents and Warwick and I try to make myself valuable at choir and work and volunteering to give myself reasons to stay alive. Am I a hypocrite writing s...