Life is a journey not a destination so .....my story isn't over yet;...me

 Thought would write an update blogg post whilst things are looking really positive.  8 years ago, back in 2014 I stopped working for what I thought would be a few months to get on top of my mental health, from 2012 I had been having regular mental health crises ending up in hospital with self harm and suicide attempts, driven by an eating disorder,  a fear of failure and social anxiety and generally not feeling good enough or deserving to be alive. I was working towards being a mental health nurse, despite my own mental health problems I was a good carer and thought being a nurse I could justify deserving to be alive (an irrational thought) but I love supporting other people and wanted to be able to make a difference as a nurse being able to empathise with my patients because of my own experiences and my work experience too. But although I got accepted to do my mental health nursing at uni my own self destructive thoughts were getting worse, I couldn't have eating disord...

 This week is eating disorders awareness week, but today is also self harm awareness day. I think it is important to raise awareness as self harm is too often misunderstood and judged. Self harm isn't attention seeking or to attempt suicide although people who self harm are at higher risk of attempting suicide, therefore all self harm should be taken seriously especially in young people.  I self harmed once when I was about 13 but my main problem then was an eating disorder and the self harm I did then was because I thought it was a good idea after I heard someone else had done it. I then didn't self harm until I was in my 20s. At 21 I was suffering with severe bulimia and it was like a constant battle in my head arguing between my rational self and an eating disorder voice, the eating disorder making me feel guilty about all food and myself wanting to eat. I remember sat crying on the kitchen floor as I was hungry but the eating disorder " voice" wouldn't let me ...

 This week is eating disorders awareness week. 1 in 50 people in the UK suffer from eating disorders yet many people don't know the signs or symptoms of eating disorders and GPS only get 2 hours of training on eating disorders in med school in their whole training.  When people think of eating disorders they think of a skeletal anorexic and think people with anorexia just don't eat and think people with bulimia just make themselves sick. People who are overweight or obese are often classed as lazy and just need to eat less and exercise more but binge eating disorder is also an eating disorder where a person over eats to deal with emotions and also being overweight can be caused by medical conditions or medications especially ones to treat mental health problems. Eating Disorders are mental health disorders not weight disorders therefore no one should ever be judged for their weight. There is anorexia where a person is scared of being overweight so maintains a low weight by sta...

 Today is time to talk day 2022, a day run by Mind and Rethink the mental health charities to encourage conversations about mental health to help break the stigma of having mental health problems.  Just like we all have physical health we also have mental health therefore the same way anyone can develop a physical health problem,  its the same for mental health. 1 in 4 people will suffer from a mental health problem in their lifetime therefore it is important to be able to talk about it to help break the stigma so people won't be scared or ashamed to reach out for help. Even though I believe this I also know not everyone is accepting of mental health problems, I even told someone the other day I only work as holiday cover teaching horse riding as I have a heart condition. I do have a heart condition but I should feel that it's acceptable to be open about my mental health too, but that is why time to talk days need to happen so it is just as acceptable to be as open about ...

I often get down around my birthday, last time I had to use crisis team was around about my birthday 2 years ago (although I've not had any severe self harm since end of 2018), but then last year I put a big thing convincing myself life begins at 40 and then it was in lockdown. I was thankful choir friends did me a zoom party and it made a lockdown 40th birthday a really good one and then once we came out of lockdown I had a night at a hotel and spa with my parents which was really nice. What does " life begins at 40" even mean though. I spent so much of my life convincing myself I didn't deserve to be alive that I missed out on actually having any dreams. I really wish I could rewind the clock. At 30 I convinced myself if I trained to be a nurse I deserved to be alive and then I convinced myself I wasn't good enough and spent the worst year in hospital and haven't worked properlysince even though I consistently worked for 17 years before (ever since I was 12 ...

 After 3 weeks off choir was really good to be back this week, my anxiety around food and social anxiety hadn't been great this week and it showed more at the group therapy I go too, I hate when I go quiet and emotional but I think food impacted my mood alot so need to use my "wise mind" rather than emotional one, but choir helped alot this week as it gives me a positive focus and I feel connected with everyone, we are singing really uplifting songs which is great for January blues. Today I met a friend who I last saw in November which was nice we had tea at Costa and exchanged Christmas presents and said we need to try meet more regularly this year even if once a month and then met a family friend who my mum used to work for she's an older lady who has known me since I was about 8, we got talking for about 3 hours and laughed about how quiet I was when I was younger and didn't hardly talk lol. I don't think I had seen her for a couple of years due to the pand...

 I originally started writing my blog as an insight into my recovery journey and to help people understand what it's like to live with eating and personality disorders. There was a time when I was really mentally unwell I was open with posts such as " another failed attempt" obviously people who knew my mental health problems knew what I meant and obviously it wasn't the best things to put but thankfully I'm not in that place now and like I said I was really unwell at the time. I still have times I still struggle alot and am open about the ups and downs as recovery isn't cure it's learning to " have a life worth living " despite your difficulties in the words of Marsha Linehalm who wrote DBT therapy.  I'm still in therapy for my personality disorders which is now getting extended whilst I wait for eating disorder therapy to start and to also have support to continue moving forward with my life.  I have struggled recently with my eating disord...