Life is a journey not a destination so .....my story isn't over yet;...me

Yesterday morning I was awoken by my neighbour who came back at 6am drunk. I was a bit annoyed that he had woken me up ringing my buzzer to let him in but I was also on a high. Some days I can be on a high almost hypo manic. So I was on a mission of writing out my weeks meal plan which in my high mood I was convinced I could stick to...a special k diet as I feel I really need to lose weight (I will write how this failed later). I wrote a list of goals for now and bigger long term goals and at the time felt life is amazing. The goals are realistic...well partly but not the ones that are the bigger issue. The smaller goals actually sound a bit pathetic.  Having a shower 3 days minimum a week. (When your depressed and unmotivated you don't value yourself enough to look after yourself properly). This is one area I struggled with even when I was working. Dry shampoo, good deodorant and clean clothes and hair tied back mean to the outside world you look presentable...to a mental health p...

A "recovered" alcoholic, will always be an alcoholic they say. As in they will always have to fight to remain abstinenent. One drink could be the trigger for a relapse. The same goes for eating disorders. For me I try to convince myself I will be able to stick to the latest fad diet or my own restrictive diets, trying to convince myself that it won't trigger the eating disorder "voice". But then I remind myself the voice never went. I fight days where the "voice" tells you you don't deserve to eat or the only way to lose weight is to not eat. Yes you can have a life where you don't eat, meaning having to stay in bed or at least a hermit in your flat as your too weak and emotional to go out or if you do that and have a productive busy day, you will have a migraine and feel really ill. I still have those days and then even the things I enjoy on them days such as choir, seeing Warwick and swimming arent as enjoyable.That's not the life I want ...

Feel like getting my thoughts out there as I'm laid awake being self critical about not being "perfect" but who is, everybody makes mistakes were human and that's ok. Recently I was feeling bad about not volunteering for the horse charity I volunteer at as much as I used to. Physical health wise I was struggling to keep up with the yard staff looking after the horses on the yard regularly so I have just focused on volunteering at their events. I felt I had let them down though but the other day got mentioned in their volunter news letter that I had been volunteering for them for 2 years so it was nice to have been recognised despite me feeling I didn't do enough. Yesterday I did a gig with choir, I have had a cold all week so wasn't sure i was going to be able to do it. There were a couple of songs i hadn't known before and i learnt and knew the words for, but then theres another song i have a mental block remembering the words for and i didn't remem...

Recovery from mental illness takes time ....I've been in and out of hospitals since 2010....the picture was taken just before I got admitted to an eating disorder clinic for severe bulimia but all I got there was bed and food and no therapy but was still working even doing agency care shifts whilst on home leave from the eating disorder clinic. In 2012 my self harm got worse and I got suicidal because of my eating disorder and other stuff and in between 2012 and 2014 took approximately 60 overdoses (God knows why I'm still here but obviously for hopefully some positive reason) and I got diagnosed with personality disorders. In 2015 my mental health got so bad I was sectioned for a year and sent to an out of area locked rehab for ladies with personality disorders but again got no therapy as the psychologist left.  I was discharged to a supported rehab for 2 years and they helped me get funding to do my riding instructor exam but I was dependant on alot of support as I was strugg...

I know I said I wasn't going to make my blogg negative but there are still bad times where i struggle. I'm trying to be proactive by doing positive things but i think a big contribution to mental health crises is loneliness. It is recognised that older people suffer from loneliness due to them retiring, losing husbands and wives and their children growing up but young people can also be lonely too. When I was doing better myself I actually volunteered as a befriender for a charity for older people called friendship at home where I visited an old man who lived on his own and would just go around to keep him company for a couple of hours a week and chat to him. I got involved with that as when I did agency care shifts in older peoples homes I saw lots of lonely people...they lived with other people but often only left their rooms for meals and some even ate on their own in their rooms and you could see how sad they were. Maybe I homed into it as I have spent alot of my life not f...

It showed up on my Facebook memories today that I couldn't face going to choir last year as I felt too fat to go out. It actually was worse than that and I ended up taking an overdose and spent 5 days in hospital. This time last year I had just had my gallbladder out but even that wasn't stopping bulimia in its tracks and I took the overdose as it was the only way to get out of the cycle of eating and being sick...even the thought of bursting my stitches after my gallbladder OP didn't stop me making myself sick. Fast forward a year I'm proud to say I haven't taken any overdoses in exactly a year...so since 2014 this is the safest year I have had. (I do have support workers do my prescribed medication but I haven't had the strong thoughts to buy paracetamol that I used to obsessively do). A big part of this is since joining a choir I have found a purpose and enjoyment in life I never thought I would find again. For a year I do still have fleeting obsessive suic...

I've mentioned before about having avoidant personality disorder, a type of severe social anxiety. I often say I don't have friends anymore when I'm really down. But what I mean is my good friends who I've had for years have busy lives and I feel I don't fit in their lives anymore. Which I do just not always as often as I would like but when we get together I do end up enjoying seeing them. Over the last 5 years really because of my severe and enduring mental health problems I have been more avoidant of social situations as my anxiety about feeling I'm not good enough , I won't fit in, what if i embarrass myself especially if i have one of my emotional meltdowns and end up crying and also with my eating disorder what if i get anxious about the food or conversations about diet talk etc. that often happens at social gatherings. So last night I was invited to a gin and jazz night for my actually oldest friends birthday (we have been friends since I was about 13...