Life is a journey not a destination so .....my story isn't over yet;...me

 I go to a group therapy for people with personality disorders and am waiting to start a group for eating disorders but I need to work on all the negative self doubting thoughts I have, not just about food but myself in general.  We had some teaching on mentalization based Therapy today, I couldn't tell you alot of what was taught as I was stuck in my own Negative thoughts crying but then there was something in the teaching that made me realise its my own thoughts that make me feel worthless and I beat myself up over every little mistake I make, I don't expect anyone else to be perfect but I expect myself to be then get annoyed at myself when I'm not. I've lived my whole life feeling inferior to everyone else, but I've had times in my life I have been able to challenge it more, I've been to uni, I got accepted to train as a nurse so I have had periods I have managed to push myself through my self doubt academically and at work. Socially I've always felt I wa...

 It's Saturday evening,  I'm home alone as too often usual, I'm bored and my parents are away for the weekend for my aunties birthday, im pleased they are enjoying a weekend away but I always worry about them when I don't talk to them which sounds stupid but it's my anxiety.  I've been feeling low for a few weeks, I mask it when I'm out and try put on a happy front and throw myself into positive things like choir and teaching horse riding trying to make myself feel useful and do enjoy it too, but about 5 weeks ago i got suspended from the group therapy I go to for some minor self harm ( there is a rule of suspension if you self harm there even if you dissociate and lose control at the time), as it was I had asked for some time off as I have been struggling alot with my physical health and feeling constantly tired which makes my mood low I had 2 restful weeks, then had a really good week teaching at the stables in half term then went back to the group therapy...

 I was waiting in a queue in a local shop today, next to the magazine aisle, the majority of the magazines had headlines on the front about diets, images of celebrities who had lost weight, headlines such as " how I lost 5 stone" etc. Its not surprising so many people have eating disorders, I have friends suffering from eating disorders, some have died, trying to achieve that perfect body image we are all made to feel we should have to be accepted,  to be healthy,  it's not healthy to die from an eating disorder though is it due to trying to find any way to achieve that perfect body and even if we lose weight by starving,  obsessive exercise,  being sick, laxatives we are praised by medical professionals and society, its only when someone is emaciated that alarm bells ring, yet you can have that eating disorder voice at any weight that torments you for eating, yet even the magazines tell us we should be obsessing over our weight. We're made to feel we have to ha...

 Another update, might as well keep updating on my recovery journey, barriers and hopefully getting some effective help. A couple of years ago the eating disorder service wouldn't see me saying I didn't have an eating disorder and it was all personality disorder,  invalidating any past assessments including I was in an eating disorder clinic in 2010, and had cbt for eating disorders in 2012. So I joined a therapy for personality disorders to deal with my other mental health problems in the hope I could then get help for my eating disorder.  For however long I can remember I've felt guilty Eating, bearing in mind I was never overweight until 6 years ago when mental health meds and other health problems caused me to gain alot of weight. In 2015 I was in a locked hospital with no access to food I was restricting some days having a jacket potato or slice of toast a day yet couldn't get below 15 stone, I definitely wasn't bingeing and if I ate more like brunch on a Satur...

 I don't know where I would be without my choir now, up until 3 years ago when I first joined choir I was not in a good place mentally and still had alot of unsafe times with self harm and overdoses.  I think things do come into our lives for a reason, after a year in mental health hospitals in 2015 I lived at a mental health rehab where they help you live independently after being in hospital for a long time. I had said I enjoyed singing, I grew up singing in the church choir but then uni, work and horses took over and I didn't sing for years apart from in the shower lol then when I first stopped working because of my mental health I went to a singing group with my dad for older people but they let me join them and everyone was lovely but I also wanted to meet friends more my own age and be in an actual choir. It was by chance I found our choir "All For One choir" when I googled choirs in Grimsby. I think a year before I joined choir I had booked a taster session for...

 If I could tell my 12 year old self one thing, it would be don't spend a lifetime hating yourself and your weight.  At 12 or even younger when my eating issues began I wasn't even fat, yet I think in my child's mind, I thought if I wasn't fat I would fit in more, at least I wouldn't be bullied for being fat, I think I got bullied just for existing or was made to feel that way, something that has stayed with me in adulthood despite meeting amazing, friendly people in my life, I have always worried about being judged and not fitting in. My eating disorder now doesn't even control my weight, a long time ago it just became like a constant voice, making me feel guilty about all food, worrying about eating too much, trying to stick to eating too little in the hope of controlling my weight or at least my guilty thoughts, which in the past led to alot of self harm, to punish myself for giving in and eating, which I now rarely do, and if I do it's when I get that up...

 Today is World mental health day and the theme is mental health in an unequal World. I was thinking often people maybe think I overshare about my mental Health but unfortunately because I've been heavily involved in mental health services, and for alot of the time before I joined choir I was only socialising with other people with mental health problems and then mental health support workers I forget that something that seems minor to me and others who have been in similar situations, worries other people who aren't used to it, im glad there are people who haven't lived in that situation. I was in a locked hospital for ladies who had personality disorders but all had that diagnosis on a history of self harm and suicide attempts, usually caused by trauma in childhood. I'm proud I'm no longer in that situation, even in times of crisis now it ends in some minor self harm and struggling with my eating disorder and I forget "normal" people worry about self har...