Life is a journey not a destination so .....my story isn't over yet;...me

I've always worried what people think of me and wanted and needed to fit in, but I've  learnt in this life the only people I can rely on is myself and my parents and I do try to be self sufficient, I live on my own so not totally dependent on other people and the only people I have ever been dependent on are my parents and mental health workers otherwise I just try to be friendly to people, if they're friendly and talk back its nice if not someone else will.  It is nice to have human company obviously, non of us are an island but I have my furbabies and I try to get on with most people, life is too short to be bitter with people, all you can ever be is yourself.  I've never been good at friendships or relationships so I always focused on work, I know I can be a numpty and take alot to learn stuff or when I'm anxious end up crying but I always try my best and I do genuinely care and put 100 percent into anything I do. I've been down lately, I started volunteering...

 I would like to say sorry for being so negative lately, mental health can be unpredictable sometimes, nowadays I have more resilience than I used to, I have too much to lose by giving into it. A while ago I bought a diary that said "big dreams", but then I don't know what my big dreams are. I'm hoping to go on tour with choir next year, and that is a big motivation to stay well and be able to do the part time work I do as a carer. I've had a month off due to having a new pacemaker and sadly the lady I volunteer befriending died so I think obviously I'm really sad about the lady and work gives me some purpose so I'm looking forward to getting back to work this week. I've also been asked by the befriending charity I volunteer for to visit another man which will be nice and I have to try think of the positives of the time I had with the lady, she got to enjoy a 90th birthday party in the summer in her garden and her family say she enjoyed her time with m...

 As long as I can remember, I can remember even as a child saying I hated life. I think back then it was sadness as I got bullied at school and never felt I fitted in. As I got older I developed deeper thinking.  I thought it was my fault my birth mum died so I deserved to die, I was depressed at having to live with an eating disorder and never going to get better from it, I got scared of my adoptive parents dying and believed it would be easier if I died so I didn't have to deal with them dying, I got scared of losing support and scared I couldn't cope alone, anxiety making me believe dying was going to be less scary than having to manage an adult life on my own. I still have these fears and beliefs, they never went and I believe I will die by suicide eventually but for now I live for other people, I stay alive mostly for my parents and Warwick and I try to make myself valuable at choir and work and volunteering to give myself reasons to stay alive. Am I a hypocrite writing s...

 I wish I could call a failed diet just that but I tried to recover from bulimia with a diet and then the diet has triggered bulimia again so now I'm stuck again. I thought my diet was the answer it told me what to eat and how much and I have been losing weight mostly in the proper way with some eating disorder behaviour but then the last few days bulimia has come back with a vengeance. For me by trying not to eat I end up bingeing then purging. I have never got comfort from food but some foods trigger me to binge when I eat them. I really think maybe I should do a complete meal replacement diet as then there won't be any trigger foods and then I don't know what calorie limit to do. I had 10 sessions of cbt for eating disorders and was told eat 3 meals and 3 snacks but wasn't told what to have and when and seeing someone for an hour for 10 sessions doesn't deal with every meal every day so now I'm having to do it on my own. I've been trying to get eating dis...

 On the 1st of August I started a diet just after finishing 10 sessions of CBT therapy for eating disorders. I have had some therapy for eating disorders in 2012 and was in an eating disorder clinic in 2010 so I know in theory to eat 3 meals, 3 snacks, don't cut out food groups and apparently we have a set point weight. However I have never been able to follow it for long enough with support to test that theory, the eating disorder " voice" always sabotaged it and I end up restricting then bingeing as get hungry and cave in then make myself sick to try compensate and my weight has yo yoed as an adult as the only way I could keep my weight low was to be sick every day after most meals, I know my body won't take much more of that so now I'm fat. A combination of after effects of years of bulimia,  mental health meds and water retention after having heart failure made me gain weight.  My head is constantly obsessed with how to avoid eating, how to lose weight but the...

 I'm always honest in my blog and I have always been open that bulimia has still been an issue for me, it's the one part of my mental health I've struggled to get on top of, it was where my mental health problems began and my self harm and suicide attempts were mostly linked to my eating disorder ( although there were other triggers too). I've managed not to self harm since Christmas and haven't taken any overdoses since 2018 and am proud of that as recently I have been putting more pressure on myself by doing some work again in care. I've just finished 10 sessions of CBT therapy for eating disorders and the focus was meant to have been on eating 3 meals and 3 snacks, not focusing on weight although weight loss could have happened as a result. But I didn't have a consistent meal plan and was still giving in to bingeing and purging sometimes. I did lose a stone but not in a consistent way and knew my therapy was coming to an end. Facebook advertised a diet to...

 I have had the 10 sessions of CBT therapy for eating disorders I was funded for but the therapist was concerned I was starting a meal replacement diet which is low calorie so is giving me an extra session next week then have a 4 week, 3 month and 6 month follow up I think. She was concerned I would become obsessed with calorie counting and feeling more guilty about food but I feel that anyway. The focus of eating disorder cbt isn't supposed to be on weight loss, but weight loss can be a result. Its supposed to be about following a structured meal plan without restricting, bingeing or purging (being sick), which is often a problem for me still, it's the one part of my mental health I haven't been able to get on top of, I can sit with the strong feelings to self harm which do often still get bad because they are linked to my eating disorder and not feeling good enough. But I think my focus on weight loss takes over when I'm feeling down on myself and having a confidence ...